Saturday, April 5, 2003

Self-hieumor-cating



I should get an award for being my department's lackey. I know I'm not any better than the paid lackey's, but I'm taking a full load of classes and I some how find time to shuffle the goodness that is running a student section organization. Dr. D called yesterday while I was out running, something about a meeting today. So I prepared, made a transparency, and got out about 80% of what I wanted to say, better than the technical presentation I gave last week -- hopefully the Academy gives us more money. "I'd like to thank the Academy.....". Then I proceeded to find where it was that PTS was doing community service. And of course I went down the road in the total wrong direction for about 50 blocks. Eventually, I ended up at the Tennis shop and bought myself two powerskirts. Two, because I have that much power. Is it have, or need? And now I'm here, laughing at myself, because I'm going to yet another conference next week for SEC - that's if I can reschedule my MA-Tear-ials midterm. I have too much to do and not enough brain power to do it all. I'm just glad that I'm getting myself out - running, tennis, on campus studying. I now have less than a month left and situation is still eXtremely f*king critical. How and why I do this to myself, I don't know. Maybe the powerskirts will help.



Heart

I don't think I like having a heart. Mines too fragile. It breaks too easily, after years of fracturing. I wonder if I could do a study of the properties of the heart. How it stays intact after much abuse. What causes it to actually fail. When does it cross the line from being warm and golden to cold and steely. Memory shape alloy. Through my life so far, I've always loved where I was, I never said it, but I really liked every part of my life. My life was always changing and my heart was always finding new things to love and missing the old things. I figured out a couple of years ago I liked where I was, I wasn't going to be able to change it, and so I would love what I have now, forever and ever - like grown ups do.



Recently, I was given the chance to actually DO something about where I was; given the chance to build a better foundation based on my experiences and to make something of my life ahead. Again my heart was lifted, and I was happy, something new for me to love. And now, I have more to miss. In the years I spent in Austin, I found unconditional love in man with a golden heart, I have three beautiful loving furry monkeys, the best set of friends anyone could ever have, and a dream car that is all my own. I came to Buttocks, TX to finish my education, to get a BSMS-ME, and I left everything in Austin behind. I believed that I would come home again, soon, and be a better person for my experiences and education. But as I see it now, I really like where I am in this world of academia and I want more. And that takes me away from the things I once loved. It forces me to raise my standards and what I want out of life -- as if what I had wasn't enough. It saddens me. It tears the happy fibers of my heart to think that what I had before would not be enough for me. I was happy where I was. Or was I?



There is a fine line for happiness. Hitting that mark in your heart labeled "satisfied" is where it's at. All the money and acronyms you can add to your name won't get you happiness. All the cars, palm pilots, and gym memberships won't get you there either. Somewhere in the equation of life that include some material emotional and mental wealth there is an equilibrium that brings happiness.

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